On finding the one

I don't know if you've been following the NCAAs but in the 5000 meter women's race yesterday, Abbey D'Agostino took first, Betsy Saina took second, and Jordan Hasay took third.

I know there's probably too much hype around Jordan Hasay (partially because she is blonde and cute but also more legitimately because she is smart, seems sweet, and is damn fast), but I must say, I love her just like everyone else does.  She finished up her college career with this quote:

“I was trying to believe in storybook endings. But that’s life. You can script it all you want, but it doesn’t always work out the way you would like it to.”

Indeed.   Thanks for being real.

Come on, what's not to love.  source

Along this line, I find it very hard to stomach inspirational phrases that say things like "If you can dream it you can do it", etc..  There are inspirational stories every day of people overcoming hardship but at the same time, you see stories of heartache and despair just as often.

I also find romantic statements about "finding the one" and "you'll know when you know" to be very frustrating.  Unless you are very religious, I don't even know how anyone can believe in "finding the one".  It is statistically nearly impossible!  Calculate the odds.   They are not good.  Look at divorce rates.

Even "Everything happens for a reason" is frustrating to me.  Try telling that to someone dying of a terrible disease.  If there is a reason for stuff like that, it sure is lost on me.

How about "If you dream it, you can work extremely hard towards that goal, do as much as you can, and thank your lucky stars you haven't gotten mixed up in some mass shooting or something, maybe you'll get there.  Head down, eyes forward.".  (Sorry, still reeling a bit from this week's Santa Monica college shooting).  

But when I stop being quite so damn pessimistic, sometimes I can try to relate to some of the magic other people seem to feel.  The main thing I can really relate it to is my job.  Is that sad?

Here is why.   I've gone through a huge number of attempted career paths (even internships) that are diverse as horticulture, oil and gas engineering, environmental consulting, education reform, and now...yes...digital marketing in the fashion space.

I wouldn't say that every single day of my life, I jump out of bed excited to go to work (there are ups and downs), but in general, I really like my job and am excited about my career path.  I can't really explain it, because I'm not THAT into fashion, or marketing, but I love the combination of data analysis, fun people, constantly changing technologies, reacting to customer behavior, and come on...who doesn't like clothes.  In times like these, when my personal life is a bit of a mess, I almost can't wait to go into work on Monday morning.

I have family connections in the business, but still, without a number of weird hardships, there is no way I would have ended up in digital marketing.  So maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, but sometimes out of bad stuff comes good stuff.  Right?

And I don't want to fool myself into thinking that this is the only job I will ever have, or the only thing that would give me fulfillment, but I know that I am very lucky to like my job.

So maybe that is what you crazy dreamers are talking about when you say you found the one.  Or that you're reaching your dreams.  Logically, you know that the stats are stacked against all of your dreams coming true and finding THE BEST person in the world for you.  But you sure are thankful that you found things that you love and love you and want to believe you're on the right path.

And that's where I am right now.  Listening to my instincts, trying to be thankful for what I have, hoping that I'm on the right path...and oh yeah...maybe trying to take inspirational phrases a little less literally.  I think that will work better for me :).

This Week

I'd like to preface this by saying that I'm aware that there are people in the world with MUCH greater problems than me right now.  Unfortunately, this is the problem I am dealing with right now so it feels very central to my life and thoughts.  Hopefully this won't be the focus of my blog for too much longer, but it may be.  We'll see. So uh...sorry. 

This week has been harder so far.  More normal, but more real and emotionally harder.   Guess I was just running on adrenaline last week.

What's Going Ok

The good news is that in about 82% of situations that have arisen in the past week, I have taken the high road.  I've done a couple things that I'm sure I'll look back on and not be proud of, but I've tried to keep yelling, screaming, and revenge plots (beyond just in my head) to a minimum.  The thing is, in a way it's selfish.  Anything nutty I have already done has just made me feel bad in turn and anything decent I do makes me feel better.

I've also returned to some semblance of productivity at work.  I'm maybe at 71%.

Some other good news is that I have moved all of my things out and have actually put in an application on a place to live in ORANGE COUNTY!!!  Back to the burbs, my friends.  I've tried LA twice now, and it's just not my favorite.

Getting ready for dinner every night at Macaroni Grill.

The reason why I found a place to live so fast is 1) I don't want to be a deadbeat with all of my stuff in plastic bags forever.... 2) I found some girl looking to move from a 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom who I really like.  I felt "omg I hope I'm not misjudging you but I think we could be really good friends" like.

I didn't want to let her get away.  So I told her "sure I'll live with you" after about 5 minutes of researching the place.  Call me stupid, but for some reason it feels right and many of my best decisions in life have been made by trusting my gut.

The Bad News

I thought that getting my stuff out of my old apartment, getting off the lease, and filling out an application for a new place would make me feel better.  Which it does, but it's also been surprisingly hard.  The sad finality that I feel is unexpected.  And it's a weird experience essentially evicting yourself.

The worst part about all of this, is that I've passed the "SCREW YOU I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH" phase and am now moving into the phase of "But remember all the good things...ahhhh what am I going to do without you?" part.

Or at least the "But remember all the good things....MARGOT CALL YOUR BEST FRIEND SHE WILL COMFORT YOU YOU NEED TO MOVE ON NAAHHHHH I am not LISTENING!!!!".  This is the conversation I am having with myself.

 It's much easier when you can think of people who hurt you as solely comic super-villains.  But unfortunately that only exists in Batman cartoons.

Things are complicated and situations are complicated but I am just trying to take it all one day at a time and stay around people who I know to be stable, nice, and trustworthy.   One thing I know about life is that no situation, no matter how bad or good, ever lasts forever.  So I am just trying to wait this one out.

A more rational update

As I go through this transition, I have no doubt that this blog is going to be a great outlet for my feelings and how I rebuild.

If you missed the more dramatic post that lived for about two hours (in the case you did JEEZ can't believe you aren't checking my blog hourly) the short of it is that my nearly three year relationship ended in the most dramatic way with my chasing after a car.  There had been a lot of shitty things going on for a while and it hit a breaking point earlier this week.

It's too bad because we lived together (I suppose we are still legally living together as I try to move out ASAP).  It's also too bad because like most relationships, I entered into this one with the greatest happiness and optimism.  I was really happy we were together.

People have been asking "how are you doing?".

Honestly, I'm ok.  Or at least I think I am going to be ok barring any major disasters moving forward.  I am shocked at how ok I am.  I really thought I was going to be a completely dysfunctional shell of a human being for months but unless I am still in shock, that is not the case.  I think there are a number of reasons for this:

1) My Gosh You All Are Awesome:  I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my family, friends, internet friends, and people I have never even spoken to before.  From my brother (and many others) who offered me a place to stay and offered to help me move, to my cute blog friends who sent me flowers to my coworkers taking me to lunch, to readers writing me notes.  Seriously.  Never in my life have I felt so loved.

2) You Can't Be Killed When You're Already Dead:  I went through about three breakdowns over the past few months over our relationship during arguments.  I mean, shaking, crying, have a headache afterwards arguments.  I tend to cling onto relationships until their last dying breath which is probably unhealthy.  But the good news is that when you finally break up, you are so relieved you don't have to do that again, it's not so bad.

3) Long Term Compatibility and Sadness:  I will get all mature here and say that even four days out from this debacle, I can see so many areas of incompatibility.  Areas that I knew existed but it's like all of a sudden I can see them.  Also, and I don't know if this is the relationship or not (and this may sound a little scary) but for the past few months, I've just had an overwhelming sad feeling.  Like when I would drive down the freeway, I would fantasize about crashing my car on the rails.   That's not normal.  And while I am incredibly sad, all of a sudden that feeling is gone.  At least for now.  And that's a good thing.

4) The Future is my Oyster:  All of a sudden I can do exactly what I want.  That's scary but it's also exciting.  I can run whatever races I want without the fear of grumbling about them.  I can take a damn cake decorating class if I want without worrying if it's going to mess with anyone's schedule.  As a rule, I love taking care of others and don't mind changing things for others, but the feeling of freedom feels nice.   There is of course, the general feeling of annoyance/fear of being 30 and single when I truly do want to get married and have kids.  But more than those things, I want to be happy and treated well.  So that's my priority right now.

5) It's been worse and it will be worse:  I've experienced worse periods in my life and survived them.  And sadly, I'm sure that worse things will happen in my life.   You gotta get through the shitty parts to experience the awesome parts, right?   And to put it all in prospective, I am incredibly thankful to have a decent job and great family so I can get myself out of this situation without too much worry of imposing or wrecking myself financially.

So there you have it.  Here's hoping that the future brings plenty of great blog material like "look at my new roommate and me be hilarious together" and "I'm now dating this dude isn't he cute" and "wow I run so much better now, amazing" and "I made this cake, check it out, succcckas".

And if it doesn't, well I ask for your support because while I am optimistic I know this will not be easy. But I believe it will be for the best.

Thanks.

Mountains to Beach Half Marathon Recap

Man...I don't know.  I told myself I was kind of done with this blog unless I had something big to say.

BUT I HAD A PRETTY DECENT RACE SO THAT COUNTS RIGHT?!?!?!

Here's the story.

To preface, the last couple weeks have been hard for me.  Which is, at this point, how I seem to start many of my blog entries.  For whatever reason, unexpected normal but tough life occurrences that many people seem to handle with grace and calmness have the tendency to send me into a tailspin.  And then I can't stop ruminating, lose interest in just about everything external, and end up barely hanging on.

The good news is that not being able to do anything works well with a taper.  

So the day before Mountains To Beach, a half marathon that I actually trained pretty hard for (mostly on the treadmill!), I was laying in bed mid-afternoon, wondering if I should just call it off.  I knew getting up to Ojai and being with friends would make me feel better so I told myself that it was cool to jog it if I wanted, and to just go have a fun girls weekend.  So I dragged myself out and that's what I did.

Turns out the whole area is pretty freaking beautiful. Even though Ventura / Ojai is only an hour North of LA I hadn't had the pleasure of seeing it in a long time.

Totally Stolen Pic but this is what it looks like!

I arrived around 8 PM and my high school track buddy (since 1997!) Kristee had picked up my packet for me and was hanging at the hotel.  Sarah arrived shortly afterwards.  I complained to both of them for about an hour (THANKSFORLISTENING) and then we decided to fall asleep.

Race morning arrived at the time when most college kids are going to bed for the night before:  3:45 AM.  It was rough.  Sarah, Kristee and I went to go pick up Robyn from her hotel and we started hunting for parking at the start.  This hunt may or may not have included going the wrong way on a road, and some strategically moved cones.  No pics, so it didn't happen.

It was a serious looking crowd at the start of the half, with a frighteningly small amount of matching outfits and tutus.  I imagined the scenario where I would finish in last.  

Kristee and I agreed to run together for the first couple miles of the race and then see how we felt.  (We're about the same speed in longer distances although she could kick my butt x1000 in anything shorter than a half marathon.) 

The gun went off, and I fell into a pace right by a couple nice dudes who introduced themselves to me and said they were gunning for a 1:33 or 1:34.  I figured that was a little fast but it would be great to have more people to run with.

Mile 1: 7:25

Just warming up.  I wanted this to be between 7:15 and 7:25 and then gauge from there.

Mile 2: 7:13

Kristee starts telling me that she can't breathe well (allergies).  I worry but we keep going.

Mile 3: 7:13

Just steady, easy.

Mile 4: 7:17

Mile 5: 7:07

Mile 6: 7:09 I am feeling amazing at mile 6.  I start contemplating gigantic PRs.  We pass a water station playing Gangnam Style and I start dancing to it.  The crowd goes wild (ok not wild but they laughed!).

Mile 7: 7:07  Kristee tells me again that she is not feeling good.  I think that she is running pretty darn good for someone who can't breathe!

Mile 8: 7:16  I am starting to feel it.

Mile 9: 7:11  DON'T SLOW DOWN NOW DON'T SLOW DOWN NOW.  LIGHT ON YOUR FEET STOP STOMPING.

Mile 10: 7:18 I tell Kristee that it's only 1 mile and then a 5k, but I am really trying to comfort her and myself.

Mile 11: 7:19 I am struggling.  Kristee says "after this turnaround we're mentally there".  I believe her and it helps.

Mile 12: 7:24 I started mentally counting down the distance in track terms.  Just 3 800s at 3:37 pace?  Come on, that's simple.

Mile 13:  7:30 I am obviously slowing down and Kristee looks strong.  She runs ahead while telling me "these people are passable" about the 5 or so people just a few yard ahead.  They must have been dying because I manage to pass them. 

I also start thinking things like "Think about all the things that make you angry.  Yeah!  Screw them!"  It feels good.

Edited in after original post because let's face it, this picture is amazing.

Finish!  I see the 1:34's turn over on the clock as I sprint in and I know I'm not going to make it on the south side of 1:35.  But that's ok, it's still a PR.

Kristee finished in 1:34:55 and I finished in 1:35:05.  
(I believe I was 16th female and 3rd in age group.)

We high five each other and discuss how it would have been so much harder without being able to push each other.

The cherry on top was seeing Oual's smile after she told me she broke 1:40 just a few minutes later and seeing my friends Gisele and Mason PR as well. 

Afterthoughts

I PR'd by 45 seconds and I am happy with any PR at this point.  (All of my PRs are now at least a year old).  I'm happy to see the work I put into training for this pay off.

So many times when I race, I remember why I run.  And it's a different reason every time.  This time, it was for the relief.  Being able to get out and run with an old friend, forget about everything, and just leave it all on the road is priceless.

And it's probably just a little more priceless when you happen to finish near the beach and see your hard work pay off. 

(Thanks for reading).

Running...Functioning?

I haven't talked about my own running in quite some time.

This is for a couple reasons:

1)  It's not exactly rocket science on my part.  I have no magical training techniques and I remain quite the hobby jogger.   Hurrah!

2) I was running really poorly over the fall and semi poorly over the winter.  I like to brag as much as the much average Jane and when I run crappy workouts, there's little opportunity to do this.  Dangit!

But I am still running.  And it's going ok.  Here's #proof.

A couple notes.  Yes, that's a text string to OUAL and I still have her in my phone as "Sarah-Soon-To-Be"!  Also, she broke her phone so it's not like she was a jerk to not reply to the upper congratulatory text.  

I digress. The point is that I've actually been training.   I'm planning to run the Mountains to Beach Half Marathon in three weeks and ever since I ran the Lucky Half in Sacramento I've been trying to add extra intensity into my workouts.   I feel like there's potential to PR although no guarantee.   Also, Mountains to Beach has an elevation drop of about 200 feet which is not enough to make it a cheater course (I think?) but enough to make it a damn easy course (I hope).

I've been running a lot of tempo-ish stuff on the treadmill at 1% incline.   I've been pretty consistent about doing two tempo / speed sessions and one fast finish long run on weekends.  I'm still not sure if running fast on the treadmill equals running fast without a giant moving belt under you outside, but hey, it makes it easy to get the workout in and workout > no workout, right?

Here are three workouts I've done that make me think I don't suck:

1) 6- mile tempo "wave" at around 7:04 about two weeks ago.

I don't really know the science behind the wave tempo, and I altered the pace from 7:30 to 6:40 throughout this run.  All I know is that altering the pace every 800 meters keeps me from going insane or quitting.

2) 3 @ 6:54 pace, 1.5 @ 6:43 pace and 1@ 6:35 pace with 2.5 minutes rest between intervals.   

I made this one up as I went along.  I figured, start around threshold pace for a faster-side short tempo, and then run a little faster on tired legs.  I was happy about it because 5 miles of tempo-y intervals around 10k pace can't be a bad thing, right?

3) 9.5 miles easy + 5 miles at 7:15 pace.  

I did this today as some sort of "peak" workout for the half training.  It hurt like hell (see above text).  Honestly it felt harder than it should.  This concerns me.  But I've been traveling a ton lately, eating terribly, and sleeping not-enough so I figured, if I could do this feeling like crap, maybe it's a good sign for how I can run fully rested.

Which brings me to my next question:  How do you prioritize running in your life?   And how do you remain fully functional even if you get up really early, run a really hard workout, etc?

I struggle with this.  I mean it's easy to say "Oh I wake up at 3 AM to run 15 miles and I just make myself do it", but I mean...if I do something like that, I am risking feeling bad for the rest of the day.   I'm risking losing productivity because I need to go back and take a nap or just can't function well.  I'm human and stuff and I am one of those people that needs sleep.

And with other priorities it can be tough to be productive when all you want to do is lay on the floor and foam roll.   I noticed this particularly when I was in Florida for a work conference this week (it was honestly not all THAT stressful, see shark fishing pic below.  It's "team building", y'all!).   But it was time-intensive as are all conferences.

For Example:  Prior to all the shark fishing fun, on the first day of the conference, I got up really early to run before all the festivities got started.  Then I got ready to go to sessions, and I couldn't stay awake at all.  I had to go back to my hotel and take a nap I was so exhausted.   I felt guilty because I knew that my exhaustion was a result of my waking up so early to run (going to bed early was not an option because I arrived in town very late).

The same thing has happened when I've run really hard or long workouts before work.

So how do you prioritize your running and your time when you know it might cut into how you perform other activities during the day?   Rearrange things?  Say "screw running" for the day?  Say "screw doing other important stuff" for the day?   Be extra careful about nutrition (because maybe this is a factor)?

I'm still looking for how to balance things AND be 100% present for other things.   And no, chugging espressos every 10 minutes along with slapping myself in the face to wake up is NOT an option.  Not that I've tried that, of course.

Freak of Vacation

I've found that the amount of exercise I do is perceived in different ways depending on the person I'm talking to.

People who are moderately serious runners, former college athletes, and the like usually shrug after I tell them I "only average around 40-45 miles or so a week" and tell me I should train harder.

On the flip side, a large portion of people look like I am A SUPER FREAK when hearing this mileage figure that I see as being very moderate.  Because of this, I generally tend to avoid talking much about my running in detail with most people.  Luckily for them, most non-runners don't give a shit about my 5 mile tempo run, so my avoidance of discussing this part of my life is really keeping them from dying of boredom as well.  Win-win!

I mean...I kind of get it...like when I was in middle school and we had to run the mile it was about the worst experience ever.  So if someone had told me they ran by choice on a daily basis, I would have thought they needed a mental exam.   But at this point....easy 5 mile runs are about as easy as walking down the street.  It's just a way to clear my head and get some fresh air.

There are a few times, however, when my policy of "non-running discussion" is not an option.  One of them is when I visit my boyfriend's family mid-marathon training and I try to sneak out of the house before his sweet mom pounces on me to make me a bacon and eggs breakfast.  (don't try to do a long run after this, you will regret it the entire time!).

The second time is when I'm on vacation.  I know I may be in the minority on this, but I really enjoy running when on vacation.  Not workouts, but slow 40 minute jaunts as long as the schedule permits.  If it can't happen, it can't happen, but as long as there's a safe stretch of road and some time, I figure why not.

Like this last weekend, I went on a quick vacation.  I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party!  It was good times!

And for both of the mornings...even after heavy boozing....I got up and went on a run.

When people on a group vacation who don't know you very well realize you are running the mornings in a place like Vegas, they become perplexed and give you the super-freak look.  It brings forth comments like "Oh wow, you'll really earn this buffet!",  "You know I ran a half-marathon once", "Wow good for you...SO healthy", "You don't need to lose weight" and "Maybe I'll go on a run later..I DID bring my workout gear...".

All well-meaning comments.  But I never know what to say in response!  There are a number of reasons why I went on a runs in Vegas and it has very little to do with health or being virtuous.   It's just something I do, just like getting dressed, eating meals, and going to the grocery store.  The questions and comments make me a little uncomfortable because I don't think I deserve any compliments for going on a short slow run, and frankly it's slightly addictive behavior on my part.  And I am certainly not trying to make anyone else bad for not exercising.   So I tried to think of why I enjoy running on vacation:

1) I'm obsessive about patterns and routines as shit and so doing a daily run helps me feel normal and not freak out about other things.   This is the main one.  I admit it.

2) It's kind of fun to get a little time to myself in the mornings because I get overwhelmed in large social groups.

3) Why not?  We got hella free time!

4)  I've got some dope music on my ipod I want to listen to.

5) People watching, people watching, people watching.

and secret option 6)  It's a nice day out and I like to run!

So unless the weather is bad, I usually just go with option 6 as my explanation.   Unless the person is a psychiatrist and I'm in a chair, it's probably the best response.

I guess there's no end in sight to the "Super Freak Vacation Runner" looks, unless I manage to sneak out of hotel rooms at 3 AM and slip back into bed, sight unseen. I figure this pattern will just continue.  I'll keep running when I can in random places, people around me will continue to comment on the fact that it's surprising that I'm running, and I'll continue to feel slightly like a freak when I try to explain why I went on a run.

I suppose worse things could happen :).

Boston

I'm not sure if I have anything to add to this conversation but I feel compelled to write. 

I am angry and sad. 

First and foremost I am thinking of those who lost their lives.  I am so sorry for their loved ones.   It makes no sense and I have no words.  Why.

I am thinking of those who were injured in the blast today.  I can't imagine what they are going through. 

I am sorry for the runners in the Boston Marathon who trained for months only to not be able to finish the marathon because an explosion occurred before they could reach their goal. 

I am sorry for those who did finish the marathon, but tonight, instead of celebrating the glory of their finish, they mourn like the rest of us.

I am thinking of the people of Boston, who had their city attacked and one of their most cherished and happy traditions targeted. 

I am also thinking of those who won the marathon.  This moment is one of the greatest happiest moments one can have in the sport of running, and it was stolen from them. 

I am sad for the running community.  An attack at the finish line of Boston feels so personal to so many of us.  Whether you've run Boston before, are an avid runner, or are just a part of the community, it's hard to explain how this feels, or what it means. 

I am thinking of anyone reading this, who feels like normal everyday activities like going to the movies, going to school, or attending a sporting event are not safe anymore.   To anyone who feels like they are losing faith in humanity, don't lose hope.

I know that many stories of heroism will come out of this tragedy.   And I know that the running community will slowly heal.  Thinking of all of you.